Hiya, thank you for visiting my journal at bravenet.com ...

I don't know how to explain this, but since you're a psychologist and stuff, maybe you can help me?

It's a really hard to explain so I'm going to try. ...

Early this summer my dad made a decision, that has totally messed up my life. (firstly I'm married, and us both live with my dad) ... My dad decided, without taking into concideration how me or my husband feels about this. He decided for my ex to move in with us. Now the terrible thing about that is, my ex. is a violent person, he is always complaining just to start problems. Anything innocent he turns into a problem, I guess so he feels in control or whatever. But I told my dad before this happened, that it would not work out for him to be here. He didn't listen.

Now as the months have went by since July, this has happened.... My ex. not only gets violent but has almost killed his gf. My dad seems to think that he can solve every problem, but doesn't understand the risks. He doesn't seem to understand how it makes me and my hubby feel with my ex. living here. My relationship with my dad has went down the drain, the bond between my hubby and my dad is now gone. I've been completely depressed and emotionally drained, and messed up since my ex. has been here.

Tell me please am I crazy for not wanting my ex. here? Is there something mentally wrong with me, for believing that dad made a terrible decision of having my ex. here? Because apparently my ex. is making me believe that my husband and I are the real problems, (mind you, my hubby and I live in our attic, and keep to ourselves, not desturbing anyone.) ... I'm told that my feelings are negative, and that it is right to have my ex. live here. Shouldn't my dad take into concideration of my feelings, and tell my ex. to leave. That he made a mistake telling him to move here?!!?

I'm 26 years old, I'm waiting for my hubby to get into the army. Once that happens, we'll be living in our own place. But until then, what do I do? My dad and my hubby were getting along so well, before my ex. moved in. Now it's like my dad is not himself anymore. My hubby feels like he's not a good enough son-in-law, which I understand how he feels. Hubby felt really important to my dad before my ex. came back in the picture. We three were all getting along, and everything was great. Now everything is all messed up! !!

I just don't know what to do. I don't even feel welcomed in my own dad's house. I don't even feel like dad even cares anymore. My ex. is a master at playing mind manipulating games, and he also is good at reading people's emotions, and plays on them for to his advantage. He is a control freak, and his gf told me that the only reason he never hurt me physically was because (since I'm so skinny) that he was afraid he'd break me, or kill me without trying. My ex, is ahuge and tall person. I'm petite and small, lol! Every gf he had he physically abused, mentally, emotionally and spiritually abused. He did the same to me but didn't physically abuse me. (thankfully) Alot of what his gf goes thru I can understand, and though I try not to take out my emotions on her, it's really hard because she gets emotional too. She's in a busive relationship with my ex. yet she is still with him. I don't understand. What she is going thru, I experienced and I got myself out of it. Why can't she? !!?

I know this is long, but I was wondering if you can give me some advice. Because I don't know what to do.

Thank you much.

Sincerely, Emotionally Stressed!

Thank you for replying, I knew I wasn't crazy. lol You make sense, and I agree with you. However, yes I've told dad how my ex made me feel when I was with him, dad knows everything. I gave him every reason why I left my ex. My dad isn't going to make any choices. I already gave him the choice. He has people talking for him, to me. I emailed him recently on how I feel about things, he just hides in his room, when he gets off work. And doesn't speak to me, and then I don't speak to him, and he has other people emailing me, (such as my ex's girlfriend) and other people talk for him. Several times already my ex's girlfriend had to talk for dad, and speak his thoughts, because dad didn't want to approach me.
I know it's not healthy to be here, but I kinda worry that when hubby and I move, that my dad will not be ok. To have my dad and my ex in the same house just doesn't seem right, mainly because of my ex.
When my ex tried to kill his gf. this summer, I was so determined to keep him away from here. But, my dad suggested counsiling for him. I've not kept tabs on them to know if he is 'really' getting help. But, I do know this ... I fear him every day, and I don't understand how his gf could even spend one day with him, knowing that he could loose his temper again. His gf already knows I am emotionally damaged right now, my hubby is keeping me some what together. The only thing I see as my happiness right now is my hubby. So the good thing is me and my hubby are still so close and happy together. However, my constant depression has affected me in many ways. Which does affect my marriage.. But hubby does understand that I'm just going through alot.

I've told my dad that of what I told you, of how I feel. He doesn't seem like he cares. He wants to help the whole world and doesn't realize who he is hurting in the process. My dad has hurt me by allowing my ex to live here. He thinks he is right all the time, but doesn't even think to do the right thing.

I don't know

I can see why you would have reservations about moving out and leaving your ex there with your dad. You have one awful situation you are living in, you poor thing. But, there are not many options for you, I am afraid. If you seriously feel your father has a problem and is incompetent, you could go that route by trying to take guardianship over him. I don't know if your dad's decision making skills equal up to all of that, though. You might want to check into getting a restraining order against the ex, since he has been abusive in the past. Again, I am not a legal professional and that might not be possible. Truly, I doubt your ex would even want to live with your dad if you and your husband are not there anymore. You might be surprised to see that he moves along shortly after you do. It wouldn't be any more fun for that manipulating toxic abuser if you weren't there. If you feel your father is simply just making bad decisions, but doesn't have any kind of health or mental problem causing it, then there is very little you can do. Your only option would be to move out and allow your father to deal with the situation. Barring mental or physical problems, he is a grown man and has to make his own decisions, as do you and your husband. Personally, I would not give the ex the satisfaction of remaining in the household. That is exactly what he wants...to pull your strings. The only power he has is the power you allow him to take.

Taking guardianship of a parent could cause many problems. Sometimes it has to be done. However, maybe you could change the locks while Dad is hiding, and the ex is away doing whatever. Either put the ex's things outside after/while you are changing the locks, and tell Dad he can't have a key until he realizes what a bad situation it is, and won't let the ex back in.

It sounds to me like your Dad has a huge heart, and just can't see all that's in front of him. He wants to solve everyone's problems, and just can't see through that.

You might have to tell Dad that by not getting rid of the ex he is getting rid of you, and that if you have to move out, you will cut all ties with Dad until the ex is gone.

Hiya, thank you again for the advice. o:)

I've been trying to figure out what exactly to say to dad, and am going to try to talk to him tomorrow more about this, verbally. Since I've not been talking to him like I should verbally, I think it's really affected my dad. My dad has gotten abit cold hearted, but then shrugs his feelings aside. I don't know how he does that, lol. :-?

Yep, my dad is too kind hearted. I laid in bed lastnight thinking about a ton of things, I don't want to leave this house with things unresolved between my dad and I, that would only hurt me later emotionally.

THe thing is, my ex's girlfriend lives here also. And she will not be happy with having to move with my ex, and plus she has no where to go, if I did push to have my ex not be here. My dad would throw a fit, and all hell would break loose. The only medical condition he has, is that he had a heart surgery last year, it was a double bypass and I'm so scared to get him overly upset, I don't want his heart to act up and I don't want him to have any stress on him. I've sat down and thought deeply on things. ... I won't be here for very long, as a matter of fact I've (for once in a long time) have made some future goals. Which I believe will work out! Call it, an angel to my rescue! Because I've realized and accepted somethings. Firstly took my mom's advice, the Serenity Prayer, I have to read it as often as possible, because no I can't change the things that aren't going to change, and to put the things I can't take into God's hands. Secondly, I realize that this is a cruel world, and unfare. And in this house it isn't fare and it can get pretty cruel here with everything that is happening.

Thirdly, I've been thinking negative, which could give much more negative results, lastnight and today it's like I finally got a reality check! Not only am I contiplating on my feelings and my emotions, but I'm also contiplating on my ex's girlfriend and how she feels, she's in a rutt as well

yay, I talked to dad, and then after that I talked to my ex's girlfriend of which I had my hubby talk with her too. We came to some conclusion and understanding, however this doesn't change anything with my ex. My dad wants to take me shopping and stuff. My friend is coming back from Virginia so I'll be seeing him alot. I've got a plan in moving from here sooner! My ex knows that me and my hubby are on good terms with my ex's girlfriend, and he doesn't like that, and I know he's trying to get all of us to argue with each other, I guess he seems to like manipulating everyone so we're all upset with eachother. I think that's really cruel of him, and I don't understand why he likes that. But he came home early from his job today.
I've been trying to get out of my depression, it's been so hard here. My health is terrible, and I've lost so much weight because I've not felt like eating, but with thanksgiving coming up, I think that dad wants to fill the house with a ton of food, so I'll be able to gain some weight. I weigh 80 lbs which isn't good. :-(
My hubby is getting closer into going into the army. He's already made arrangements to see his sargeant, and get things going. I only hope that he doesn't get shipped to the war and stuff just when he gets in. He basically wanted in to get into technology and computers, and I know how much President Bush wants to ship american soldiers into the War that he likes to have .. WHich is terrible.
I thought it would be cool to give a small update on how things are here. I've been emotionally messed up, and been trying to pull myself together, just been hard.
And dad isn't so bitter now since I talked with him, so we're all on talking terms, accept for my ex. He's a manipulating fool, and I wish he'd leave, but I guess I can't make that decision for him to, since dad is all about wanting him to stay here. since I'll be leaving soon, it's not going to matter, but I just hope dad will be ok.

I have been very naughty and don't deserve anything
at all