I've been thinking about having an affair. My husband works very long hours, and is just never there for me anymore. I know it isn't his fault, but I didn't get married to be alone. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he says there is nothing he can do, and that he has to work those hours. I know I could easily just divorce him, because we don't have children, but I do truly love him. Help me please, Faith.

 

Lonely in Minnesota

 

 

 

 

Dear Lonely in Minnesota,

 

It is a very difficult and brave thing to admit that you have these feelings.  Even being honest with yourself must be terribly difficult.   Being alone, especially while married, is tedious and hard to deal with.  It is normal to enter into a marriage with expectations.  Unfortunately, real life sets in and we realize that not all of them are realistic.  A great number of couples experience a lack of time together; from being separated by a war to working opposite shifts. 

 

Sometimes it is not the quantity of time you spend together, but the quality.  Consider setting up a "date day" when you can get together and go out, just like before you were married.  It is important in today's busy world to schedule in time for your spouse and adhere to it.  Sit down with your husband and locate the times each month that you have off together.  Designate these times to be with each other and make it quality time.  Be sure you get the most out of every minute you are together.  There is a huge difference to spending your precious time together talking on the phone, on the computer, or watching television versus going out to dinner and having good conversation or a walk in the park.  Consider even spending the night somewhere exciting, whether it be a campout or a night in a fancy hotel.

 

As far as your feelings about having an affair, you need to put those aside.  Once you are married you are committed to making the relationship work (barring unforgivable circumstances).  You declared your love for your husband in your letter to me, so I know that you do not want to hurt him.  An affair will not fulfill you in any way.  All an affair would accomplish is to make you feel even more alone and guilty.  You are a better person than that and I know that you can make your marriage be all that you want it to be. 

 

The first step is yours.  Talk to your husband and insist that you schedule special, high-quality time together.  If you do this, you will not be disappointed.

 

*Faith*